Bobby Pins and Honesty

“She lit the flame as I inhaled, the dragon just uncoiled. Suga Boom Boom, I’m chasing dragons, this dragon’s got my hand.” – James Williams from Chasing Dragons Pt.1

Fuck, I wish I had written those words, but I didn’t, I couldn’t. They could only come from a man who has stood in his own darkness created by the battles he has lost to his own personal demons. If you don’t know what ‘chasing the dragon’ means, might I suggest you never finding out.

James Williams’ hook has got me thinking. I’m now miles away as she lies with her head on my chest, her leg extended over my hip, her foot tucked under my leg. She is white light’s pure energy. She is the sun to my dark, starless midnight sky.

We lay in silence as I remove a collection of bobby pins from her hair. I have no idea why she loves when I do this, I just know that she does.

The silence is broken by a question.

“What are you thinking about?”

I come up with something quick.

“I’m wondering how the fuck you have the patience to put this many pins in your hair.”

She laughs and then pulls at my t-shirt collar.

“Seriously, what are you thinking about?”

I think they would never understand us and eventually their words would push you away. That’s why I want to keep us a secret, not because I’m ashamed, but because I want you to stay.

I think sometimes the world surprises us with what comes next.

I think my mom and my sister notice that I don’t say ‘I love you’ enough. Scratch that – I think they notice that I don’t say it at all, but I hope they know I do.

I think that my kitten, Kiwi, has more personality and swagger than some people I’ve met.

I think I need to remind myself to be grateful for all that have reached out, sharing with me that the words I’ve written have affected them in some way. 

I think that sacrifice is not a punishment, though at times it may seem like it, especially when this week’s menu reads similar to last week’s: red wine, dry cereal and coffee.

I think about loneliness, sadness, heartache and pain, and the brave face we all try to put on.

I think it is okay, even if you’re not…but if you’re not, then you have to promise me this: that you will find someone to talk to. You can bend my ear anytime, because a conversation can lead to healing, and healing can save a life.

I think I just touched on something that’s not easy to admit, but important to say. I know the Battle of Mellon Collie as I have fought it more than once. I know the sadness and emptiness it can bring. I understand why you just want to be left the fuck alone.

I think that isolation caused by sadness is not a weakness, but in fact it’s the reason you’re strong, and that a heart heavy with emptiness carries with it the fuel for creativity, that’s where all great art comes from.

I think if you can learn to harness your pain, nothing in this world can stand in your way.

I think I’ve shared enough. Thank you for reading, and have a nice day.