Thursday, 4 December 2014

When I'm Sorry is not Enough.

She doesn’t say a word, not one sound….
Sorry falls flat in a moment like this. Smashed mirror, torn soul, and me for once with nothing to say.
I wish you had tears. Fuck, I wish you would cry, something, anything, because this empty scathing look is far worse. It’s a look that suggests something inside you just died. I want you to yell, I want you to scream. I need you to show me some kind of goddamn emotion! Please, anything…anything would be better than this.
But you don’t. Instead, you look right through me, glass cut eyes searching, trying to figure out who the fuck I am.
You loved me in spite of my glaring flaws; you loved me in spite of what they all said….
What now?
Now, there is no future. Now, promises created from memories are all gone. Now, our tomorrow will never exist. Wine soaked evenings, laughter and harmony were built in a glass house, just waiting to fall through the foundation created by my web of lies.
You are so beautiful. Even now, in this moment of chaos created by my ego, somehow, you are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.
Hair off to the side and messy on purpose, wearing Uggs, shorts and a t-shirt, wrists covered in bracelets and fingers in rings, it’s as if you never had to try. Nails painted black, I could’ve sworn they were red recently. Being with you was like listening to the chorus of my favourite song.
I thought I had gotten away with it, I fucking swear I did, but coming home and seeing you…without one word I knew this was the end.
Now here we sit, face to face, nothing being said.
Complete silence. It’s a silence brought on by anger that’s completely deafening.
Silence…complete and total quiet…not one sound, no humming of the refrigerator, no passing traffic…just silence.
Suddenly the stillness is broken by a noise coming from my phone. She looks at me with fire in her eyes. She gets up and walks over, I’m trying to stay calm; I don’t have to guess, I know who it is.
It happens fast. Her face is now white as a ghost – the incredible silence is about to be broken.
“I fucking hate you!” comes screaming from across the room, promptly followed by my phone thrown directly at my head. 
The flowers in a vase I bought only a day ago are next to go, smashing against the floor.
Anger ensues, complete rage. It’s an explosion of disbelief, hurt, sadness and broken trust. The text was gasoline tossed onto her slow-burning emotions that has resulted in this inferno.
I react like a child and punch a wall; I don’t know what else to do…
Broken glass everywhere, hatred thick in the air, her temper has subsided. All her energy has been spent and now she sits, weeping, on the floor – an image I will never forget.
I want to go over and hold her, tell her it will all be okay. But I know my touch is not welcome, my words are just another lie. All I can do is watch. Sitting with my back against the wall, head throbbing, nothing to say, I wanted I have lost it all.